An amazing miracle!

My life is such an amazing miracle I feel moved to be a little more creative in my expression regarding this experience I call my life.    

I just talked to my sister who answered her phone with something like: Hello dearest brother whom I love so very much.  I tend to think I should be able to look and see what it is that I’ve ever done for her that would have her say such a thing.  I seem to be more loved than I deserve. 

And, I’m personally committed to “complete unconditional love for each and all of these others” which is similar except that I don’t often attempt to communicate my love so explicitly.  And, this universal love isn’t personal and doesn’t relate to something any of them have done for me.  It’s not an acknowledgment of them personally.  It’s not like I’m giving them credit for something they’ve done.  So, why is it when somebody expresses love for me, I look for how I come to deserve it.  I seem to want it to be an acknowledgment of me for who or how I’m being or what I’m doing in the world.  I’m still looking for validation.    

Part of that is that I am committed to “noticing” whatever there is for me to notice but I seem to be looking inside of an expectation that there is something I’m missing.  And I do truly want to know whatever it might be that I’m missing.  What I’m noticing is that this bias is setting me up to always question what I don’t really need to question.  I could simply trust myself to notice when there is something there and not keep checking with others - did I miss something? 

So, perhaps it’s ok for me to just accept that my life is a full on miracle and that deserving it has more to do with noticing that it is a miracle than it has to do with whether I’ve paid my dues.

Love, Woodson

Slip sliding away

I've noticed that the rush of this “epiphany” is already fading.  I’m afraid it’ll just melt away like many enthusiasms past.  Perhaps I have to be satisfied with momentary excitement about one thing and then another sort of like meandering around in a field of wild flowers. 

I especially don’t want to loose the enhanced freedom I’m feeling from this breakthrough.  I’m allowing myself to feel some small excitement about making specific commitments with myself.  I’ve been so very good about my practice and my exercise that I’m somewhat encouraged.  I am also encouraged by the freedom with which I published to my blog a couple of days ago.

I still have a sense of freedom with regard to taking this conversation on the road with me.  I’m sure I will experience various fails along the way and I look forward to learning how to recover quickly.  “Nothing is wrong” is a point of return - a little like an emergency exit from making myself “wrong” when I make a mistake.

My practice in general is my daily exercise and specialized training for my chosen sport, i.e., actually generating this conversation.

Reading this over before posting it, I am reminded how much work there is for me to do.  

Love, W

Some personal evolution

I don’t feel I’m in communication with somebody if they don’t know who I am.  And, I am one of the few people I know who has put the kind of effort I have into saying who I am.

This is related to a recent epiphany that continues to rock my world.  Three days ago I watched a story about Carly Fleischman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xoYwLNpvw  I was sobbing and rocking by the time she started communicating. 

There's an extent to which Carly acted out my experience of me finally getting to where I am today.  It took me 73 years.  Watching her made me cry because her story put me in touch with my own inner terror regarding being in communication with others.  It isn’t like I feel terror but it is that I very rarely share my inner conversation with another.  And then I almost always run away and hide when I do. 

More on this as I have more time to explore and experience the alterations I'm noticing in how my world is occurring for me.

Love, Woodson